How To Shop For The Holidays In Redneck Territory

How to say “Happy Holidays” in Redneck

I’m not fluent in the redneck language, but I’ve learned enough from surviving the past 4 years in the boonies, to perhaps help those of you out there who are attempting to shop for the holidays.

It’s a jungle out there and then you have to go through the rednecks. If you aren’t careful, you may wind up in a tobacco spitting contest before you realize it.

Enter carefully and with caution

Good will towards the fellow man is rampant in these over packed and overheated places. If you do come across one of the Good Ole Boys, you stop, drop and roll-….

No, no, no.

Wrong situation. The fetal pose will only bring further pain, because then you’ll be run down by those who are filled with good will, and…a charge card. Keep in mind that all these guys really want to do is, “Grab a few things for Momma“.

They are more scared of you than you are of them

The big cheerful lugs are a bit confused at all the chaos, and are just trying to swim upstream in the mass of humanity and estrogen.

Being raised in “that there Good Ole Boy Tradition“, they have one mission only. They seek not the ‘Perfect Gift’, rather they want  ‘Just any gift‘, and then to get the hell out.

Stay out of their way. Keep this in mind and you’ll be happier for it.

 ~Redneck Holiday Phrase Translation Guide~

Here are three phrases you might encounter along with the loose translations, to better aide you with navigation, in and around the store, should you suddenly find yourself in such a predicament. You may hear one or all of these phrases, at any given time.

1. “Watch yourself pal, before I deck your halls”

Translation: “Excuse me sir, but you are trodding upon all of my toes and I’m finding it exceedingly annoying”

2. “Hey asshole! Why don’tcha  jingle these bells!”

(hand cups nether regions)

Translation: “Pardon me, but it really chaps my ass that you grabbed the laptop that I had in my hand, as I was intending to buy it”

3. “You a-gonna move or do I hafta light a fahr under your ass?”

Translation: “I hate to be rude, but you aren’t moving up in this checkout line that stretches all the way back to the toys, and then zags through the women’s underwear, and  I really want to get done and get home, before I’m too old to make it by myself and under my own power”

Good luck to all, and to all a great big “Hey!”

 This should assist you in making it back home in one piece. Of course, we haven’t covered what’s being said and/or done, out in the parking lot, but you’re on your own. Good luck! What? Oh. Yeah…You’ll have to forgive my appearance, I’m not usually in disarray, but then I usually don’t have trample marks down my back either.

(See? DO NOT DO THE FETAL POSITION NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU MIGHT WANT TO!!!!)

CeeLee's Survival Guide

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