How To Scare Guide Part 1
Good morning all, this is Part One of a several (I haven’t decided yet, it’s early, gimme a break) part series, on How To Scare (Because It’s Fun) Guide. Next week, I’ll be covering how to scare a kiddo silly, but I can’t today because the kiddo in question is here, and I don’t want to give away any of my time-tested, carefully tweaked to ensure maximum scream-age secrets.
You understand. It’s like a family recipe. Today, I’ll show you how to make a redneck “and I’m proud of it!” man screech in true unadulterated horror. It really is easier than you think, and certainly very user-friendly.
I know what you’re thinking…a clock and a redneck and this is messed up
“Yeah, yeah CeeLee, but that’s you.I’m not ADHD , nor does my mind think of weird stuff like this when I’m making breakfast for a yelling son who will likely shoot me with a Nerf gun before the day is through and-”
Right…good news though. You need neither ADHD nor the ability to think weird thoughts. Relax. Let the master show you how we get down in the country.
6 simple steps to terror
Step 1 New or new to you, car. Or a vehicle that your guy adores. Doing this at night is good, but at night and raining is much better.
Wait til the car door slams and then look at the clock worriedly (extra points) because how can you be night blind during the day? Hence the clock watching and after this ride with you, he’ll swear that the clock stopped, as it was such an ordeal.
Step 2 You drive while he’s in the passenger seat. Mention several times before leaving for your destination, that you are night blind-this is the essential underpinning of your set up. Oh and be sure to keep glancing at the clock. Before long, he’ll be doing the same.
Step 3 Lean forward, pretend to be straining to see through the windshield, and put the windshield wipers on the max setting. Remind him that you are night blind and that if you could see to pull over to let him drive you would, but you can’t see and therefore you can’t pull over. Then casually ask him if the insurance is up to date. (The twisted logic adds to his terror)
Step 4 Drift ever so slightly towards the other lane, lean forward further and say, “Hey, is this my lane or theirs?”
You’ll know that this is working when the victim begins to fidget in his seat, double checking that his seat belt is on and saying things like, “Babe? There’s a sharp curve ahead, wwhoaa, your lane, your lane, not theirs!”
Step 5 By this time your victim should be trying to crawl into the dashboard.
Expect comments like, “Oh holy shit! I’m gonna die! Oh dear Gawd, please don’t let me die, I want to live! ” and then depending on the guy, it may just be various types of screeching. Results do vary on this experiment. But a-clock watchin’ he shall be.
Step 6 Lastly, remind the guy that yes, you told him you had night blindness, perhaps you can speed shift (skip a gear) when accelerating so a fish tail is very delicately executed, slight ladies, no need to overdo and wreck the vehicle (only for a joke-do not attempt and sue me).
Tell him that if he wants to scream like a woman every time you drive, then maybe he should drive from here on out.
That’s it, that’s all
Easy to do and certainly very rewarding if you tend to be slightly twisted like me, have an awesome car that appeals to your lead foot, makes you reminisce about the good ole days of dragging, but are now old and have to mind the speed limit.
It sucks to be responsible, and grown up, and have to drive ssloww. This is what comes to roost in my head when doing a daily WordPress prompt about The Clock, wishing I was still dragging, and ducking Nerf bullets. Happy scaring!
- HUMOROUS HOW-TO’S, Part 27: “Redneck 101″ (kimwriter.wordpress.com)