Life is a learning process…and I haven’t passed yet
Have you missed me? Wondered where I wandered off to? I’ve been…busy. I’m learning that the few rules I do have, well… even those have exceptions.
What follows is a completely true account, no embellishments whatsoever.
I wish there had been a few embellishments. Like my being minus the 8 pounds I’ve picked up.
Let it never be said…
I’m notorious in my family for putting the hammer down when driving. And staying on it til our destination is reached. I zero in on my selected destination and I just…go.
I hate to stop. For anything. Whether I need gas, have a desperately squirming Duckling riding in the backseat, one who’ll finally yell in exasperation that he just “can’t hold it much longer, and how he’s not kidding”.
I won’t even hit the brakes for a Redneck guy who informs me through gritted teeth, (possibly due to fear of my driving) that if the Duckling does spring a leak in the new car, woe unto…me.
I thought that was the rule and it was never changing.
Yeah, guess what? I was wrong.
Let it be known far and wide that should I be driving on the highway and a spider (we have a ‘don’t mess with me and I won’t kill you’ agreement, the spiders and I) should fall down my butt crack, thanks to my low riding jeans, when shaken from my a involuntary spasm of a freaking out hand from where it was originally perched.
I will: no ifs, ands, or butts, cross 3 lanes of heavy traffic at top speed, screw the brakes, too busy to flip the bird to all the drivers I may’ve offended, so sorry.
I’m being driven batty from the insane fear that the spider might’ve come with his family, who may or may not be, also perched upon my hand.
(mine is not to question)
I will screech to a stop in the emergency lane. I will get out and in broad, hellaciously bright illuminate every flaw I have, sunny daylight, and I will, without any hesitation shuck out of my jeans to flash the world at large with my underwear clad butt.
(Oh why, why, why did I wear a thong today?!)
I will dance and scream about said spider and I will not care (until later) that I might be the next YouTube star.
Honk if you’re…horny?
Completely true story. It happened this past Tuesday. The semi- drivers had a blast. Literally.
I was saluted with air horns while attempting a spider remover maneuver. And now that it’s over, I sincerely hope that no one had the presence of mind to take a pic.
I doubt they could, because even if they weren’t struck glare-blind from the sun, they were almost certainly blinded from the flash of white skin.
On the off chance they did, just look for a black thong against the kind of white skin that blends into a wall, white skin. You certainly won’t be able to miss that. Yeah that’s me. Yay.
Just be sure to wear your sunglasses.
- Comedy is Hard (strawberryindigo.wordpress.com)