Consistency has never been one of my strong suits.
Consistency in…well? Pick a category, any category and you’d guess right.
As far back as I can remember, or to be more accurate, since the time that the decisions were completely mine to make, I’ve never failed to follow my interests. No matter what it may be, I pursue my quarry relentlessly.
I’ll capture it, that interest of mine, and hold it hostage until I’ve mastered every aspect, down to the tiniest detail. I’ll live it, breathe it, and I’ll love it passionately.
Until I don’t.
It goes without saying that living this way isn’t easy and comes with more than its fair share of repercussions. Oh boy, does it ever.
Thing is, I believe that life should be lived to the fullest, that we should aim to pack in as many experiences as we possibly can. After all, we only get one shot, right? This is how I’ve rationalized my need for change and the insatiable desire to stretch my limits past what I previously thought possible.
Except I somehow forgot all of these things for two whole years.
Somehow I forgot how I’ve always held this private fear that if I were to stop my interest chasing, I might sort of wither inside and kind of drift away. It’s a theory that I’ve never cared to put to the test and yet, I did.
The only reason I know that I forgot these things is that I had an opportunity come by in the form of a job outside any of the fields I’ve previously worked and with it, a chance to once again, push my own limits. I took it. And I’m so glad I did.
The coolest part though, is that I didn’t expect to have to reach so far down inside myself to be brave enough to take on the challenge or that it would be so daunting. But it was and I did it.
See, now I have the answer of what will happen if I stagnate and begin to drift, not caring much beyond the day-to-day survival.
Fear of what is, what could be, and the what-ifs of
“But what if I can’t do this? It’s something I’ve never even imagined, much less attempted. ”
That’s what fills the void.
I hope won’t ever forget again. Because if I do, I may not get that piece of me back. And that would majorly suh-huh-huck.
That’s the piece holds the knowledge of just how enjoyable it is to alive and what makes me who I am, good and bad. Even if it means I’ll forever be changing my interests as often as I change my clothes, I’ll take on all of that.
Because I’ll be alive and not just pretending to be.