A Duck Stomps into a Store

ADHD observations from the water park
He’s so much nicer when I dunk him
Today is the day (oh joy)

I’ve been dreading this task on my to-do list for a month or more. I’ve just gotta do it. Besides. I’m no coward. Not much of one anyway.

Taking Duck shopping for school clothes or for any inner/outer body apparel isn’t easy. I’m starting to believe that my mastering the fine art of small talk with Attila the Hun in a single afternoon may be easier to accomplish. 

Though for once, I’m in total agreement with Duck.

I hate shopping for clothes. I’m not a clothes horse and neither is he. I’d rather clean the bathroom after giving the dog a bath, take a trip to a PortaPotty left out in the hot sun for a year, or donate blood and pass out from low blood pressure than do the run through department store hell.

One of the fastest ways to make me snarly is to catch a glimpse of my fading tan and body flaws, displayed in horrifying HD-like detail, in a changing room mirror.

Meaner than the realization I’ve overslept on a work day and smarter than the spider outwitting my shriek and eye covered swats, clothes shopping bites.

You can drive a Duck to a store, but you can’t make him like it.

Duck however, shares none of my loathing for shopping reasons, he hates it for a much less complex one. He hates it because it isn’t fun.

And he isn’t afraid of voicing his displeasure about it.

Duck’s a firm believer in freedom of speech, even with the whispered threats through clenched teeth and a fake smile, threats of eternal groundation, of doing my laundry for years, even that of further Xbox explorations, to be done under his user name, once we make it back home, isn’t phasing him.

What to do, what to do.

His declarations of woe are growing louder by the moment, something that anyone within 1000 yards having poor to moderate hearing can’t un-hear. It’s ear rape of the worst kind.

We are drawing attention and not the adoring, ‘Oh look at what a wonderful well behaved son she has’, kind. Clearly, I need to act fast.

What to do, what to do.

Jeez…if grounding won’t work, what will?

Well, if ya can’t make him stop… roll with it. Time to take a page from my Dad’s playbook. It did work on my sister…

Gathering my courage and dropping my dignity, I clear my throat.

“Ladies and gentleman, can I have your attention please? My name is Chris Lee and this is my son, Duck.

A truly lovely young man when he isn’t causing us all to suffer from tinnitus because he hates clothes shopping, his interests are fossils, Xbox, and pretty girls.

Can we have a round of applause for his admirable command of the English language in expressing his displeasure today? Take a bow, Duck, you’ve earned it.”

Duck’s diatribe falters and halts. He’s staring in shock and wanting to run far, far away. Too bad for him that I drove.

Silence…

Giggles and then outright laughter from the back of the store before the applause.

A standing ovation, how cool is that?

Thanks Dad, I owe you one.

Duck whispers through his clenched teeth (wonder where he gets that?) that he’s very angry and doesn’t like me at the moment. I whisper back that I have a whole store who likes me now, so who needs him?

A mute Duck pouts out of a store…

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9 thoughts on “A Duck Stomps into a Store”

  1. Not related, but something about the title made me think of the Duck and the Lemonade Stand Youtube videos. (warning: cute but annoying if you check them out)

    1. You’re right. The vids are cute but annoying and having the tendency to burrow into my brain lol

      Thanks for telling me about it, I passed it on, you know, to share the goodness and inflict my humor on other unsuspecting innocents.

      Ah…life is good 😉

  2. bravo bravo That has got to be one of the best things I have heard in a long time.

    I must say that you are getting to be a master of the parenting warfare. Embarrassment can go a looooooooooong way. hehee

    Although I think that is the best way to have gone about it another thought i had while reading this was to tell Duck that he could go home and you would come back the next day and pick out all his clothes for him. I think that could have worked just as well. hehee

    1. Thank you Forrest 🙂
      I like your idea and Gawd forbid this happen again, I think I’ll use it.

      Because nothing is meaner than going to school and explaining why you’re looking like an 80’s throwback in neon colors and parachute pants.

      I can only hope it won’t come to that lol

    1. No worries Kristi, I understood and it gave me a grin out of it.

      If you want to feel better, just look at some of my recent FB posts. Seems my cell has a sense of humor too 😉

    2. Thanks 🙂
      It ranks up there with having to do public speaking in school. (nightmare material)

      I’m hoping these things work because I’m not sure I can be any more clear when trying to get Duck to understand what is acceptable and what is not. ugh…It’s tough being a parent to a boy.

  3. Well you could always send him to school in just undies. Or like the ancient greeks in bed sheets.

    But bravo how you handled it. haha An applause for the both of you. Duck deserves it to…

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