While it’s been fun to share a few of my older posts on Facebook (thanks to everyone who walked down memory lane with me) while I regain my balance, some fresh stuff is long overdue.
What can I say? Life has been busy. I’m off-balance, off schedule, and beginning to get (more) weird around the edges. Since January, my days have fallen into a wake and shake beginning pre-dawn with a sag and drag finale back towards home, always with the hope that it’s before sunset.
Though when I feel exceptionally energetic, I do try to switch it up and change my sag and drag to more of a slouch and wince end. Because I like to live life on the edge and be unpredictable and all that crap.
Lately, I’m lucky to remember my name, so asking me a complicated question (Hey, did you know your bangs are on fire?) and expecting a coherent answer is just plain mean.
Still, there are some days that are more memorable than the rest of the blur. Like figuring out that running on a treadmill in yoga pants with the mp3 player clipped to the waistband does not-repeat-does NOT do anything whatsoever to enrich the lives or improve the health and well-being of anyone.
Add to that piece of knowledge is that wearing underpants under said yoga pants is ALWAYS a good idea. For everyone.
So there’s that.
Oh and my finding out that what is being said and what my ears hear may in fact be 2 totally different things, yeah, THAT has led to very interesting if sort of confusing conversations with the boss (Did you just tell me that I’m a pain in your pineapple?? Was that really called for and what does that MEAN?!) various friends and family members.
Duck, on the other hand, loves it. Gee, I wonder why.
And lastly, there’s the picture below.
This is me last Friday. I hadn’t been my normal happy-go-lucky, boom the bass til my teeth rattle me awake in the morning and drag my tired butt home in the evening self and the boss took note.
Despite it might be the bass and teeth rattling start to my mornings that caused the issue to begin with is…well, really, who cares?
No, the point is, I had to take the pic to send to my boss because she was serious when she informed me that I could no longer grace the workplace with my overflowing bounty of wit and beauty and well…mouthiness until I went to the dentist and was able to provide proof of a bloody stump and/or hole-she wasn’t partial to either choice.
Alright, you got me.
So I may have not worded it EXACTLY like she did, but trust me, the intent was there.
I love my job and I want to keep it but I still do things on my own terms, so I opted for a pic of my feet, wearing the ugliest steel toes only I would wear, knowing those shoes alone would positively identify me, while the dentist chair would prove my location much more nicely than a picture of senseless blood and gore.
Because I care.
Thing is, she wasn’t being a pain in my pineapple (did I mention my hearing is starting to go but in the way of all things funny?) despite the hard-edged ultimatums issuing through gritted but perfectly healthy teeth and furrowed eyebrows and possessing hearing that a bat would envy.
She was very concerned.
And tired of me being tired. And not eating. And being unnecessarily mean, though I will gladly go on record and swear most victims had it coming and I can attest to being able to afford to lose a few meals.
She had watched me transform into an Orajel swilling junkie who snarled at terrified vendors before gobbling Excedrin like candy over the space of 2 weeks and she was over it.
She wasn’t buying my promise that I’d go when I got paid, not when I’d already tried that one-twice over-she wasn’t swayed by my whispered confession that I’m scared stupid by dentists, and didn’t dignify my impassioned declarations that nothing good had ever come from my visiting one but drama and pain with so much as a smirk.
“Don’t come back until it’s done.”
Well, fine. There’s the pic.
She’s right though. I did feel better despite having blood all over my shirt, sporting a lopsided chipmunk look and…listening to the people in line behind me at Walmart wonder loudly enough that even I could hear them, if I had lost or won the fight.
Because I’m CeeLee and ah kin ooo thiff.
But I totally draw the line at getting hearing aids.
She approaches the wild beasts slowly and with the type of caution that can only be gained through hard experience.
For the beasts outnumber her in testosterone and volatile tween emotions and are holding firmly on to hope for their fondest wish to be granted and their voices simultaneously change. Well that, AND suffering from the apparent inability to apply deodorant on a daily basis until reminded, nagged, and threatened at least forty times…let’s say that they are unpredictable under the best of circumstances.
Luck, however, appears to be on her side, for the beasts are distracted for the moment, their full attention engaged in a rousing, if slightly heated, debate over which game is cooler–Portals or Half Life 2, and the reasons why.
Having not yet been asked her opinion, indeed, her appearance hasn’t even been noticed, she feels she’s managed to successfully slip past the early warning Mom’s on a Mission proximity alarms.
She is as ready as she’s going to be. She’s brave. She’s fearless. She’s going to poke the danger –with a stick.
It’s Saturday morning and just warm enough outside that I can imagine Spring is here if I screw my eyes shut and breathe in deeply enough. I’m claustrophobic with cabin fever and almost sick from the need to get out.
I’m hoping Duck and his friends feel the same.
It’s a perfect day for fossil hunting on the fossil beds. Nothing is finer than that, if one has to be forced away from all things indoors, according to Duck.
So focused was I, on getting Duck and Friends out of the house and away from electronics, that I failed to realize that this trip was just as much for me, as it was for them.
We played in the sunlight.
And for a while, I was able to forget. Forget about how it feels, to live in steel toes and a hard hat, about how crazy it is now, being 1 man down and about the worry over bills and the stress that comes from having ADHD and all its quirks, oh, and just being me.
For a single amazing afternoon nothing mattered other than the warmth of the air, about capturing it all with a cell camera, and the laughter.
Oh, the laughter.
Nothing bothered me, not even the kicky breeze that managed to ruffle my shirt and bare a small amount of belly to complete strangers.
My admittedly tighter than a few months ago belly, but my belly nonetheless. Showing off my winter white skin and the glimpse of a tattoo attesting to my wilder days paled in comparison to the feeling of freedom and sense of all being right within my world .
I forgot my worries and I played, right along with the boys. The same ones who were so concerned over voice changes that could occur at any minute.
We bathed in the sunlight and we soaked up every single second of it. And we slept well that night. Perhaps better than we have since cold weather came to town.
Some days just seem to have perfection down to an art.
And this was one of them.
The boys morphed back into wild beasts but not until the sun went down.
This year has started off with a bang and I’ve hit the floor running. Not unexpected, not if you know me, but not a calamity either.
Right here–I look like a train wreck, sitting on the side of the tub. You see, I’ve run the soles off my feet. Funny ha-ha to you, nowhere NEAR the vicinity of funny to me.
Right now– I’m trying to ignore the pain of an Epsom salt bath on raw and weeping flesh by writing this post using the voice feature on my cell.
The distraction isn’t working as well as I’d hoped. There might be tears involved as I dictate this, but MY version of the story will reflect that my contacts are due up to be changed.
I’m still doing this and I will not give up.
I’ll come back to that in a few.
Right here–in this very house, I’ve decided since I’d spent the latter part of 2015 saying goodbye to the people I’d outgrown, successfully laid to rest a few pesky ghosts, slayed some troublesome dragons-AND lived to tell the tale, I might be on to something good.
Right now–the way I see it, my choices are simple. I can trot down this path and continue to grow or I can hesitate and get knocked cattywampus by my own momentum.
I’m choosing door number one because cattywampus is not a good look for me.
You know, in case you were wondering.
That door happens to be an almighty big one and is going to be difficult to kick open and stomp through.
I’m scared but determined.
I’ve written before that I’m a veteran runner when it came to all things drama and that’s true. I’m also a total boss at wielding my handy dandy black paint brush to paint out and effectively forget, the people, things, and situations that have caused me pain.
The forgetting has been one of my best defense mechanisms, and I’ll miss it dreadfully, but I’m not going to use it anymore.
Right now–I choose to face these things head on and move forward instead of avoiding them.
In so doing, I’m giving myself the gift of my own life back. I’ve set some very specific goals and hope to reach them soon.
Right here–moving to a different position at the company I currently work for, making more money, and getting better benefits is the best thing for myself and for Duck.
I want these things and I WILL get them.
Right now–I’m taking back control of my life and it shore do feel fine. Sort of. Kinda. Mostly. Like 99% of the time. The feel fine part of it, I mean.
Which may shed some light on the reason for a gym membership and the interval training and my poor feet that have been the cause of this disjointed post via cell.
This is the year of a whole new me and I will not back down. Come watch me win. I dare ya.
Addendum…Not that it matters much to anyone other than me-I’ve done 12.5 miles of interval training since this past Tuesday. Because I’m proud of it and I’m cool like that.